Conan Exiles or Of Gore, Chore and Freedom for Dicks

First things first – yes, you can have your character run and bounce around naked in Conan Exiles. You can have a dick blowing in the wind, or some (rather artificial looking) tits hanging out, both in the size of your choosing. Why? Fuck knows (Conan lore might be good answer if someone asks you). After a few minutes of watching dick and balls flying about every time your dude jumps, you’ll be happy to put on some trousers though. Imagine a sandstorm rubbing against your genitals – that’s some rather unwelcome immersion … Or maybe not, if you’re an advocator of nudism.

Okay, with the genitals out of the way, yes, Conan Exiles is much more than that. It’s a rather classic survival game with tons of blood and gore, and you will also spend a considerable time of your gaming time in menus, building and crafting stuff. And breaking the will of people you deem worthy of enslaving is another thing to do in your spare time in the Hyborian age.

You can play Conan Exiles online in a PvP setting, in a PvE setting, with just a friend or, if you prefer to be the only king, alone. There are plenty of options to choose from to find the perfect way you want to play the game. Customisation isn’t the deepest but the mix of races, religion and appearance is also not the worst. And well, whether you want to allow the world to see your character in all your glory …

Let’s start with the story. Easy. You are hanging on a cross and not doing too well, the one and only Conan saves you, the sandbox is yours. And it’s a big, nice sandbox. Different terrains, different climates you need to be prepared for, and enemies all over the world. At first though, you have no clue what’s going on in Conan Exiles, what you can do or what you should do. As soon as you arrive at the first oasis with water and food aplenty after a few minutes, you will start experimenting to find your favourite way how to survive.

And it’ll take some time – you have a skill tree that gives you bonuses every 10 or so ability points you in turn get for pretty much every action you perform for the first time, you have a massive crafting tree that lets you unlock different things to craft, and you definitely have to start gathering plant materials, wood, food, pelts, meat, human flesh … well, the last one is optional (but useful if you worship certain gods).

Now – there’s lots of content in Conan Exiles, but how good is it? Well, it’s a mixed bag honestly. Exploring is always fun and one of the main strengths, making sure to have only the right stuff equipped (how much food and water, clothing, weapons) so you can go on a haul is important, and that is where Conan Exiles works best. Fighting is okay. Like many other games, it feels like a simplified version of Dark Soul’s combat, but it’s a bit clunky and it can feel boring quickly – like in Skyrim. But hey, you can brutally dismember your enemies in various ways, so there’s that!

Weirdly enough, crafting is not the strong point of Conan Exiles. Or maybe it is to survival experts or Minecraft fans, but building a house is a very cumbersome task – you need to prepare each and every part starting from the foundation individually, and then you need to put it all together, which takes some time. And once that’s done, you sometimes need a tool or a contraption to build a tool to build something else …

So, is Conan Exiles the game for you? Hard to say. Do you like to run around naked? Do you like to explore, and can you stand combat that is a bit rough around the edges? And the most important question – do you have a degree in architecture and do you enjoy building that much you don’t mind the complex and a bit convoluted systems? If you scream yes to all of the above, welcome to the primeval and brutal lands of Conan Exiles. This mix of Ark and Minecraft for adults might be right up your alley!

Rabidgames is doubtful: That being said, if you’re not a fan of at least 50% of the above, you’ll get lost in Conan Exiles. There are games that feel more work than play, and this one is surely one of them; beneath the genitals and the gore, there’s plenty of work waiting. More work than fun at times. It still has plenty to offer, but when crafting turns into a chore, settlements and sometimes games shall remain unfinished.

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